Ask Amy … to Get a Woman’s Point of View
Sometimes even men can benefit from a female point of view on what appear, at first sight, to be exclusively male health issues.
Amy is the wife of a long-time prostate cancer patient who
has agreed to offer her experience in whatever way she may be able to help. In particular, we believe she will be able to give suggestions and guidance to the wives, partners, mother, sisters, daughters, nieces, and female friends of prostate cancer patients as those patients go through the difficult processes of diagnosis and treatment for a disease that is emotionally unsettling for most men.
Please understand that Amy is not a physician. She is ”just” a well educated laywoman with very personal experience of prostate cancer and its problems. She cannot provide you with medical advice. You should always talk to your doctor about your clinical condition and how it should be managed.
You may post your question for Amy using the comments / reply box below.
Amy, welcome to the world.
You have a providential opportunity to be a leader of “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, those who empower and who heal.Counsel and guide them thoughtfully, help them and their loved ones reach for the wisdom and strength that lies deep within.
You are now a counselor to heart as well as to the mind and through your own struggle you have the unique opportunity to teach, soothe and lead.
Shine on!
Mikki.
Amy’s Answer
Thank you so much, Mikki! It is wonderful to get such a warm welcome with such incredible encouragement!!
Although I am not a professional counselor, I consider this a unique opportunity and a great privilege to be part of such an excellent team and speak from my heart about very important life issues caused by prostate cancer. Because of dealing with my husband’s prostate cancer and all the issues that we face, I will always try to give honest and thoughtful answers which hopefully will give others support, confidence, and courage.
You have inspired my confidence! Thank you again! Amy.
Welcome Amy. Arthur looks forward to your help. Prostate cancer is a disease that affects everyone in the family, just as almost every other form of cancer does. Many people will seek out your help over time. Be kind!
Amy’s Answer
Thank you, Arthur. I will try to follow your lead, as well as Arnon’s, as you both are kind and thoughtful in your answers to others. Yes, prostate cancer affects so many – wives, children, family and friends – I know it only too well! I hope I can be of some help to others.
Welcome Amy.
As the spouse of a prostate cancer survivor I ask: What can I do to help my husband who–years after surgery and remission–avoids sex like the plague, though he has little to no e.d., and is in excellent health?
Amy’s Answer
Dear Holly: This is a complex question.
First, I think that you need to find a way to talk openly with your husband and try to get a better understanding of the real reasons why he is avoiding sex. You most likely will not get a full or totally honest answer from him so you will need to read between the lines.
As you said, since it has been years since surgery, with little to no e.d., in excellent health, this lack of interest may only be the tip of the iceberg. It could be not caring as much, embarrassment of the possibility of not performing as he used too, or even fear could be some of the reasons why he avoids sex. You and he really need to talk about it. But again, don’t get your expectations too high, it is a difficult subject for men to talk about.
From my perspective as a wife, I would want to help my husband by doing everything I could to encourage him sexually. Have you tried encouraging him to satisfy you sexually? That might lead to something. But if that doesn’t work, then I would not push it and I would lower my expectations. Honestly, there is so much more to being a husband and wife — the warmth of a touch, catching his eye across a room with a warm smile, not taking each other for granted, and calmness and unfailing courtesy towards each other is what really matters.
Hope this has helped. Amy.
Dear Amy,
I’m glad there’s a wife’s perspective column here. If it had been around when my husband was going through the protocols, it might have helped me feel less lonely. I look forward to reading what others have to say here.
Holly has asked a question many of us could benefit from an answer to. I think one of the difficulties men experience after treatment is bafflement at having changed so much, and many men–my husband included–have had difficulty letting go of the need to “perform” sexually. I think the ugliest word in the whole treatment/post treatment dialogue is “potency.” As long as the culture confuses Erectile Dysfunction with powerlessness, many men will continue to close up on the subject of sexuality. Don’t we have to get beyond our stereotypes of what intimacy can mean?
Amy”s Answer:
Dear Vicki,
You, me, and many others, have seen changes in our husbands after they have been treated for prostate cancer. For all those women who have, and are still dealing with the effects of prostate cancer, we are certainly not alone. I think one of the key points that we all need to remember is that the man we love may have been changed a bit physically, and mentally, but he is still the same man we know and love. Potency has nothing to do with his inner strength, effectiveness, or will. A man is not weak because he cannot perform! Manliness comes from his character and qualities which define him, and not his performance, or lack thereof. This is what we need to keep reminding our husbands that have been so affected by this disease.
So let’s not allow society to dictate these stereotypes to us. Other than a “sexual act,” intimacy is defined as familiarity, closeness, and understanding. Yet, from my experience, because we have gone through so much together, we may gain even more intimacy and closeness, not less, in dealing with this difficulty together. As wives, we need to help our husbands try to realize what they do have, and together remember to count our blessings. That would help dispel discontent, depression and feeling sorry for oneself while getting beyond the shallow stereotypes of what is depicted as intimacy.
An excellent point, ‘performing’ versus the true intimacy which, for example, is embraced by Tantric sexual practice, is something many couples and men in particular are not familiar with.
Firstly, it is always going to depend on where you were sexually, especially him, before the surgery or treatment. You or he can take the International Index of Erectile Function (IIEF) questionnaire http://www.jr2.ox.ac.uk/bandolier/band90/b90-6.html to see what his ‘baseline’ was before prostate cancer treatment.
It might also be because it is not an organic process for men who have cancer or severe BPH. Over time, they might notice a decline, whereas men who have prostate cancer are ‘robbed’ for want of a better word.
And in some senses, determined to ‘get it all back’ or show they are not old, that they are still powerful. Look at the number of May-December relationships, compared to vice versa. Women don’t need to prove their power. In fact, a confident older woman has tons of it!
Which could be another reason why they panic!
As the other post-ee here on the blog says, there is a lot that can be shared which is not overtly sexual, but can create an atmosphere of closeness where making love is more likely to happen than not. With ED drugs all over the TV, it is NOT ignorance, it is a lack of mental and heart openness.
But there is no such thing as sexual failure if everyone has no expectations. No expectations, just explorations, should lead to more intimacy over time.
Prostate cancer can not only rob life, but QUALITY of life, for the men, and YES, for the women who love them, and we have to be loving, respectful and supportive, but also clear about our own role in the whole desire dynamic. Viagra won’t work unless there is interest and desire, after all.
There is no magic pill, the magic of love and sex is all in our happy, open, loving minds.
Amy’s Answer:
Dear Joan,
I look at what you said a little differently, although I do agree with some of your points. This is not the time for people dealing with prostate cancer to be performing Tantric sexual practices. In addition, what difference does it make now to compare where you both were sexually before prostate cancer treatment? We have to move forward and help the men in our lives to do the same. I also think that a man could become even more depressed if he really thought he knew his “baseline” before his prostate cancer – if that is really possible – and now is likely not to even come close to that baseline. Just think how humiliating it could be for a man to take a test for Erectile Dysfunction due to prostate cancer. It is difficult enough on a man’s dignity going through all the necessary tests and exams. My feeling as a wife of a man with prostate cancer is why would I want to compound it with something so unnecessary?
If I understand your point that you think men who have prostate cancer are robbed of the natural decline of their sexual function, I agree that in cases that is true. Hopefully we can all grow old gracefully, but when something happens like prostate cancer, it may mean we have to deal with a physical weakness or problem that much sooner. As I said to Viki in her question, this is one of the most difficult aspects for us to help our husbands deal with. Instead of bemoaning this fate, we need to concentrate on the blessings that we do have and make the most of the time we have together.
Also, I haven’t seen men “panic” in these situations. Concern and uncertainty yes, but not panic. I think it is up to us, as wives and partners, to do everything possible to make sure they do not feel even the slightest degree of pressure to prove themselves sexually. Both partners need to accept the new reality. Together with cooperation and true consideration, we will work through it, resulting in a more in-depth appreciation for each other in so many other ways.
I do wholeheartedly agree with your last several points. If we expect nothing, then we won’t be disappointed. That disappointment only leads to sadness, discontent, frustration and regret. Yes, the quality of life is damaged by this treatment…….The men have to go through so much — their self-esteem and self-respect is compromised and their ego damaged – that is why we women have to do all that we can to build it back up. This takes caring and awareness, and as you said so well — understanding, support and love.
It takes time, as it does for the body to heal, but eventually it does get better.
Sometimes a little mutual masturbation can help to get things started. There is no ‘pressure to perform’ and the caressing of a partner while you pleasure yourself and vice versa can be a nice place to start.
Every couple has to find their own answers to a satifying relationship, realizing that each person is different. As the wife of a PC survivor, I gladly embrace our new life simply because we now have a life to look forward to - which may not have been the case with a different prognosis. When I weight the importance of our life together versus whether we’re back at our pre-surgery baseline, it’s not such a big deal. He is happy and satisfied, knowing that time will bring change as his body heals. Patience is the foundation of this process as we enjoy every day we have together.
In response, Amy says:
Dear Angela, I agree with you wholeheartedly! My sentiments exactly! I wish you both peaceful days ahead! Thanks for writing. Amy
Congratulations Amy and to your readers. As I read these questions and answers I realize how important a service you are providing. The subjects you are dealing with must be openly discussed so that women and men dealing with prostate cancer issues feel supported and understood.
Shine on!
Mikki.
Amy responded:
Dear Mikki,
Thanks so much for your comments. As you said, there is such a need to talk about some of the issues that come from having prostate cancer or a loved one who has been diagnosed.
This is a new role for me, so I very much appreciate your encouragement.
Thanks again!
Amy