Sometimes even men can benefit from a female point of view on what appear, at first sight, to be exclusively male health issues.
Amy is the wife of a long-time prostate cancer patient who
has agreed to offer her experience in whatever way she may be able to help. In particular, we believe she will be able to give suggestions and guidance to the wives, partners, mother, sisters, daughters, nieces, and female friends of prostate cancer patients as those patients go through the difficult processes of diagnosis and treatment for a disease that is emotionally unsettling for most men.
Please understand that Amy is not a physician. She is ”just” a well educated laywoman with very personal experience of prostate cancer and its problems. She cannot provide you with medical advice. You should always talk to your doctor about your clinical condition and how it should be managed.
You may post your question for Amy using the comments / reply box below. Questions and answers are retained on this page for approximately 60-90 days from the time they are originally posted.
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I would like to explain our situation and ask questions too.
My husband had prostate surgery and radiation in 2000. He has not been able to have a erection to this day. He has taken some of the erection pills without any help. He does not want to be intimate at all. He says, “What is the use?”
I keeping telling him that I can be satisfied just hugging and kissing some times. Is there any help for restoring the damaged veins that the blood flows through to the penis? I love him very much and I have tried to explain this to him. I have been very depressed about this. He will not go to counseling. I am thinking about going just for myself.
Thanks
Elizabeth
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Amy replied as follows:
Dear Elizabeth:
So many men and their wives suffer in the way you describe, and this is one of the saddest aspects of prostate cancer. The man is physically emasculated by his treatment, and the physical emasculation then becomes emotionally emasculating for him too. As a result, he withdraws from any and all sexually explicit or even emotionally comforting activities, leaving his wife or partner physically and emotionally destitute as well. We women have a hard time understanding why men behave in this way, because we have a greater tendency to understand the benefits of close contact and emotional reassurance. Our husbands, on the other hand, have been taught that their sexual prowess is fundamental to “who they are.” The loss of that capacity is therefore physically and emotionally traumatic for them — and the possibility that they could benefit from counseling is nearly as hard for many men to admit.
It seems to me that there are three possible things for you to do:
1. As you suggest, it might be a really good idea for you to get some help for yourself. Regardless of what this is doing to your husband, it is scarring you too, and you will benefit from some help to cope with this.
2. There are web sites and ListServ systems specifically for women where you can talk with others who are going through or have been through what you describe. Knowing you are not alone is a big benefit in itself. So you can have a look at any one (or all) of the following: the Wives and Partners Group on The “New” Prostate Cancer InfoLink Social Network; the website HisProstateCancer.com that has been developed specifically for wives and partners; and the ListServ forum “A Prostate Cancer Forum for Ladies Only.”
3. Perhaps most importantly, sometimes you need to ignore your husband’s emotional distress and address yours. It is OK to just say, “I need a hug” and “take one.” It is OK to say “Gimme a kiss,” and give him one. It is OK to just “snuggle up” in bed — even if he does seem to ignore you. Habits can change. Beliefs can be altered. Waiting for him to give you permission will be a longer process than simply deciding to “take what you can get.” He may seem a little uncomfortable with this, but if he is overtly “difficult” about it, it’s worth trying the approach where you just grin and say, “Just ‘cos you don’t need a hug, I do!”
I hope some of this helps. I am sure you and your husband are both having a very difficult time with this alteration in your circumstances. In overcoming this, it is going to be important for you to be clear with him physically about your needs. Sometimes talking about it just doesn’t work!
Amy
If prostate cancer cells are in the husband’s bloodstream or the semen, is the wife at risk “catching” the cancer?
Does the radioactive contrast medium taken for the diagnostic scans pose any risk for the wife?
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Amy responded:
Dear Dave: Thanks so much for you questions.
In the first place, women cannot “catch” prostate cancer in any shape or form — by sexual transmission or though accidental transfer of blood or serum or saliva. Prostate cancer is an exclusively male disease, and there is no normal biological mechanism that would allow prostate cancer cells to grow in a woman’s body.
With respect to the accidental transfer of radioactive contrast media, any amount that did get transmitted would be so small as to be negligible. The amount that is actually injected into the man when they have a bone scan is already very small and has a very short half-life.
I think you can feel very secure that any treatment or diagnostic agent that you (or another family member) may be getting is very highly unlikely to have any impact on a spouse or partner. Now having said that, there is one form of treatment that does have a risk of affecting others. Men who have permanent radioactive seeds implanted as one form of brachytherapy are encouraged to avoid close physical contact with children or people of child-producing age for about 3 months after initial implantation of these seeds. The reason for this is that the radiation from these seeds may affect the reproductive organs of children and younger people. So … it may be a good idea for grandpa to avoid letting his grandkids sit on his lap for a few months if he has had permanent seed brachytherapy.
I hope this helps some.
Amy